


You were red and you liked me cause I was blue.

by skyblue993



Series: Jonnor oneshots [74]
Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Oneshot, canon AU, first person POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-27 16:32:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16222997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyblue993/pseuds/skyblue993
Summary: I walk there on trembling legs, taking it into my hands. It's cold and a little dusty but it's the only thing that ties me to the old Connor so I stupidly decide that if I can't shatter him, I can get rid of this.Angst with... an ending. Happy? There’s only one way to find out.





	You were red and you liked me cause I was blue.

There was a time where I could tell what he was thinking with just one simple look. It was easier back then when our feelings were so pure and simple that the rest just didn’t matter. I looked at him. He looked at me and everything just went unsaid between us. There wasn’t anger. There wasn’t jealousy, possession, confusion. It was simple and beautiful. It was love at first sight.

I’m not saying our feelings magically vanished.. there must be some sort of feeling if we end up here, in this dusty hotel room, on alternate days. If you ask me I’d say it’s wild attraction if you’d ask him... well, I’d say his hurried way of sneaking out of bed the exact moment he pulls out of me screams wider than words. There are so many nights I want to block his way out, force him to watch me in the eyes and ask him: “How long are you keep hating me this much?” I tried once. I did try but then, he watched me with such hatred in his eyes that I had to take a step away from him, let him run away from the bubble.

I _owed_ him, right?

We did lose everything but if there was one thing that we cherished was the way to understand each other with just one look and if I had to read Connor’s look, it said: “You have no right.” and, indeed, I _don’t_.

 

 

“So, do you remember my friend Henry from the Harry Potter movie marathon at my place, right?”

I must have deserved the kick in the ankle from her but I couldn't help but roll my eyes for another shameless attempt to set me up with one of her gay friends. 

“The guy that works at that shitty pub you enjoy so much to hang out?” 

“Yup.” She makes an annoying sound with her tongue, “The one and only. Well, apparently he’s into men..”

I decide to refrain the roll of my eyes in the sake of my physical wellbeing, thinking that the tone in her voice isn’t as casual as the thinks it is.

”Well, so?”

”Sooo.” She’s grinning. _The bitch._ “He asked me who’s the grumpy little shit that spends the whole time drooling over another little shit.” 

“Wow. I must have impressed him then.” 

She glares at me, clearly discharging the idea to kick me in the ankle again. 

“He wants to take you out.”

”Why?”

”Not sure. He probably finds your way to be a pathetic asshole endearing somehow.”

“Tay.. if this is your way to set me up with some man that doesn’t even know my name..”

”He knows your name.” She states matter of factly. “I told him.”

”I can’t go out with him.”

”Why? It’s not like you are committed to someone.”

She’s smirking, knowing she’s nailed it. As per usual. _But still._ In a sort of unconventional way, I am committed to someone but also, the idea to get out in the broad daylight, having dinner with someone just talking about everything is a concept I wouldn't hate. 

“I.. I’ll let you know.”

”Seriously?” She asks with the high pitched tone in her voice, eyebrow raised judgementally. “Jude what you have with Connor now is what you can have with Henry. Only bettered. You can have wild, filthy sex but with _someone_ that also takes you out on dates, that gives you the attention you des-“

I don’t let her even finish her sentence. I can’t hear this. I just stand up, attempting to hide the way my face contorts in full disdain, “I’ll let you know.”

 

 

We are sitting in the secluded booth in the pub, Connor’s sitting next to me while keeping as much as distance as he can afford between our arms. He’s always like that when we are in public, pretending I don’t exist until he decides it’s our cue and he leans in to whisper in my ear, voice soft like a feather, “Are you ready to go?” 

The most rational part of my brain screams _No, fuck you. Now what, you decide I’m worthy of your knowledge?_ But then, my heart outweighs every single rational thought screaming at me for standing on my feet, excusing us from all of our friends and letting him take the last bit of dignity I’ve left. 

_But not this time._

This time something doesn’t go according to plans.

it’s my fault, I take that. Well, _partially_. It’s not like I start checking him out first.

I have to admit that he deserves a raise for making mojitos (very good ones) while not taking my eyes and his smile off me.

I smile back because it’s nice being smiled at, not feeling guilt eating up your interiors for once. I feel Connor tensing up, next to me, although any part of our bodies is touching. I steal a glance in his direction, catching his expression somewhat hurt. Then, he catches me staring at him, my mouth opening just slightly in a breath before his expression turns once again ice cold. I decide to keep my gaze on my beer, avoiding to look at Henri and avoiding to look at Connor for the rest of the night.

He doesn’t ask me, not even when we get out of the pub and not even when we head to his car. I’m surprised he still wants to drive me home considering what a piece of shit I am to his eyes. I’ve always been a piece of shit to his eyes so this silence treatment isn’t really that much of a surprise.

”Are you okay?” 

The car stops. He keeps his hands on the steering wheel, not looking at me. 

“Goodnight, Jude.”

I think I deserve an answer. I think I deserve to know what goes on in his head. I don’t deserve much but at least, I deserve _this._

”You didn’t answer my question.”

He gives this hollow little laugh that makes me reach for his face, angling his face towards mine so that he's forced to look at me. It’s probably the alcohol or the frustration or just... him. It’s probably just him driving me nuts.

”I said-“

”What? Are you in the mood for a chit-chat, tonight?” Connor's tone is ice cold but I don't let it discourage me.

”I’m always in the mood of knowing if you are okay, Connor.”

”Right.” He gives the same sarcastic sound from before, rolling his eyes as he said, “Goodnight, Jude.”

”Why are you like this?”

”Like what, Jude?” He shrugs off my touch, his jaw tensing as he accuses me, “Like I’m not fucking you because you spent the whole night eye sexting with that guy? Do you think I’m blind? Just go to him. What the fuck do you want from me?”

I think I’ve seen every side of Connor. _Friendly_ Connor, _caring_ Connor, _Loving_ Connor, _Angry_ Connor, _Sad_ Connor, _heartbroken_ Connor, but this side of him.. I never thought I would see it, knowing there isn’t the slightest bit of cruelty in his blood. 

There’s a first time for everything, I guess.

”You are-“

”What?” He challenges me, his voice ice cold and I can witness everything he sees before his eyes. Disgust, disappoint, hurt. It makes my eyes sting with unleashed tears. 

I can’t even look at him, right now so I just reach for the door handle and I get out of his car, slamming the door. “You are _evil,_ Connor.”

He’s probably heard that but I’m not that eager to check. I just want to get away from him until I get to the door, fumble with the keys and, when my gaze casually finds him staring at me from the car window, his car still parked in my driveway, my body moves on its own accord.

“Oh _fuck_ it.” 

I feel my knees going weak as I get to his car, slamming the car door open and yell in his face, “fuck you! I’ll go out with him!”

Nothing. He just says.. nothing and that makes me want to _hurt_ him more.

“It’s not like you care, right? You don’t care about me. You _never_ did.” 

This time, he takes a deep breath saying, “This is not fair.”

I know it isn’t but I’m sick of this guilt eating me up inside for someone I was years ago. This is not fair. Pleading for his forgiveness all along. That.. is not healthy for any of us.

”I’m sick of feeling like this! Do you want me?”

”Jude..”

”Just tell me! Fucking Connor Stevens! Take me or leave me!”

I’m aware of the desperation filling my voice. I don’t care. 

He closes his eyes, murmuring in a breath calm and rational, “You should go out with him.”

”Okay.” I’m crying. How pathetic I am? Crying for the asshole I love that just.. _hands me over to another man_. “I’ll just.. I’ll just disappear from your life, Connor. Isn’t what you wanted?”

More silence from his end. _I rest my case_.

”Goodbye, Connor.”

 

Surprisingly, but not so much, Henry’s last name is Steven and the cherry on top of the cake is that surprise surprise, he loves baseball, he’s very athletic, he likes video games and he met his first love in _History class._

“Sounds like a dejavu.” I tell him, an awkward laugh escaping my throat. 

“What?” 

He’s cute and funny and very charming. He also opened the car door for me and asked me how did my day go, stuff about my family and what I like to do in my free time. 

I like the attention he gives to anything I say.

He could be the perfect _Connor Stevens specimen._

Our date goes pretty well until we decide to take a walk in the park. 

The silence settling between us isn’t full of tension for once but very relaxing until he breaks that peace by asking, “So.. the guy that, I’m pretty sure, you hook up with is aware of this date?”

Sure. I want to tell him. He handed me over to you _so..._

”Kinda.”

”Mmh.”

I know he isn’t over with questions.

”Just ask.” 

He smiles aware of the annoyed tone in my voice pleading to just get it over with it.

”Is he okay with this? With us?”

I.. I just can’t help it, okay?

”Why are you laughing?”

”Why should he care?”

”Um, I don’t know.. from the way he was murdering me with his own eyes in ten different ways, that night-“

Woah, Woah. What?

”He wasn’t murdering you. It’s just the way he looks at people.”

”I’m pretty sure you are not just _people_ to him, Jude.”

”Oh well, okay.” I decide to humor him. “How do you tell the difference?” I keep laughing. I know it’s rude but I can’t help but find the whole idea surreal.

“He looks at you like you are _close_ to him but he still  _misses_ you.”

“Woah okay, okay.” I laugh, because if I let his words to affect me the way they were already affecting me, hope would start spreading through me once again. “I think you had enough beers for the night.” I deprive him of the beer he was holding and I throw it in one of the trash cans around the park.

 

He drives me home and he’s gentleman enough to settle for a kiss on the cheek. 

“Goodnight, Jude.”

”Goodnight.”

He flashes at me that beautiful smile of his, not asking if he could call or text or see me again. I don’t ask him either because I had fun but I can’t lead someone on if my head, my heart, my _everything_ is still all over Connor. 

Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, the second I close the door and I lean against it, hands in my hair and tears streaming down my cheeks. 

Why. Why everything is so fucking difficult? Why everything my moms taught me about love sounded like a foreign language to me? Why does Connor Stevens keep holding grudge against me for something I did years ago? 

I love him so much that I settled for getting his body, depriving myself of his heart and his beautiful mind for the longest time. Only because that’s the only way he’s been giving himself to me, shutting me out of everything, treating me like he was punishing me for every single shit I’ve done when we were kids. We are 24 now and I as much as I love him, I can’t settle for his body anymore. I want the whole package but.. but I also hate him for making him feel unworthy of him, like I’m some toy he can use and then throw away at any time and again, it’s not fair of me to make such an accusation knowing he’s just giving me a taste of my own medicine but it’s _sour_ and _hard_  to swallow.

From his end is just a way to show me, precisely, how much it hurt to be him at the time we met at U.C.L.A. 

It was just a mere coincidence. I, of course, didn't know he went there although I should have guessed. We basically bumped to each other in the hallway, his face dropping as soon as his eyes met mine, the realization of his biggest nightmare coming to life flashing through his eyes.

I got the feeling, I, indeed, wanted to move across the country as soon as this unfortunate encounter happened. He greeted me, soft and polite like he used to be. I told him a simple "Hey, Connor." then he said he was late for class and I haven't seen him for like three weeks.

I knew he did everything in his power to avoid me. Luckily, for both of us, we didn't have classes together so the chances of meeting each other were close to none. It was a big campus, after all.

Until we meet at some frat party, the kind of which you just get drunk and you forget your own name. I was in a bad spot, back then. I smoked weed and I've been drinking like, a lot, at any time of the day and bringing Connor Stevens in the hell that was my life wasn't fair of me. Still, I did. We were drunk and, honestly, Connor will always be the hottest man I've ever laid my eyes on. So we talked and laughed and drank some more until I woke up, the following day in his bed. 

It was a mistake, not because it was with Connor but it was a mistake to make him a part of the equation. Connor wasn't the typical guy you slept with and be like "So, I'll see you in two thousand never!" 

He was.. happy about it. He claimed it was fate that brought us back together that it was meant for his first time (For fuck sake) to be with me and there was something in his eyes, as he told me this, that suggested me that one of us was going to end up with his heart broken.

And it was indeed Connor.

So maybe now it's what I deserve. The first time it was me making this mess while he put his heart back on gear. We didn't talk for the rest of the college years. He was avoiding me like plague and I was happy he did cause seeing the pain the first time was enough. I couldn't go through it again.

Then, fate brought us in the same circle of friends so, yeah, you can imagine how awkward was the first time we saw each other after the whole mess.

There was so much tension in the air that anyone could sense what was going on between us, wondering if we were going to kill each other or tearing our clothes off.

We got drunk again and we made the same mistake again, yeah that's probably a habit for us, but this time it wasn't me that wanted to keep the feelings out of the door.

No need to wonder why.

 

My head spins from the rush of thoughts running wild. It's been spinning for a long time now, constantly replaying every single moment of our story like a broken record. 

I wish there was a way to erase them all and suddenly, I see _it_ there, still untouched on a shelf.

I walk there on trembling legs, taking it into my hands. It's cold and a little dusty but it's the only thing that ties me to the _old Connor_  so I stupidly decide that if I can't shatter him, _I can get rid of this._

I let out a scream of frustration as I throw it across the hall with a force I didn't even think I had. It shatters on the floor. Spurts of blue pouring across the marble floor.

I can't keep my gaze off it, breathing harshly through my nose for a very long moment.

Then I hear it.

The doorbell.

I swallow down saliva, walking pass the blue streaks on the floor.

The moment I open the door, Connor’s wide eyes flicker from the tears streaming down my cheeks to the bottle of nail polish shattered all over the floor. 

”What? Are you here to congratulate yourself for my way to screw things up?”

”I saw him driving you home..”

Well, this leaves me kinda speechless to be honest, the fact that he’s been parked in front of my house just.. lurking?

His cheeks flush pink as he explains, “I felt like a total shit, last night.”

”You’ve been a total shit for a decade, Connor.”

Words pour out of my mouth like lava, “And I get it. I’ve been a shitty boyfriend in the past but I was a messed up kid and you can’t keep punishing me for the messed up idiot that broke your heart! I’m twenty-four and okay,” I breathe out, his figure blurred by the tears filling my eyes, “You are right. I’ve been willing to humor you in this facade because, let’s face it, you know your way in bed but... you know, there’s a reason why it’s always been the same one guy in my bed and in my heart! And that would be you, assface.”

I would have expected any verbal assault coming from him at this point but not the reaction I get.

”Why are you laughing? There’s nothing to laugh about, Connor! This.. this thing-“ and I move my hands because I need to accentuate the concept, make it as clear as possible, “This thing between us is driving us insane!” 

“We were never normal, to begin with.” He comments, a quite sad edge in his voice and I can’t blame him for it but.. we can try, right? This is the most we’ve talked in about.. years? Yeah, fuck. It’s been years. Way before us bumping to each other at U.C.L.A and way before breaking his heart through a Skype video chat. 

“I just want to be us again.” I tell him, an exhausted pitch in my voice that makes his eyes go soft, almost trustful. “Please or.. or just leave but this time for good, Connor. No late night lurking sessions in my street. No more hookups in cheap hotels. If you walk out of that door is over.” I take a breath before adding, “For good.”

There’s an exaggerating long silence falling on us. I honestly don’t know where to look because his eyes make me want to close the distance between our bodies and pull him into my arms so I just look at the shattered glass on my floor, the marble tinged blue and I think that maybe, this is a sign that the circle’s finally closed. It started with blue, it ends with blue but then, every single thought racing one mile a minute in my brain just die there when familiar fingers hold my chin up, make me look into those amber eyes I never fail to lose myself into and I feel a lot of things at once. It’s almost unbearable the feeling of overwhelming going through my whole body. I feel dizzy and it only intensified when Connor’s lips fall on mine, his arms reaching for me until I’m the one in his arms.

I don’t even know how long we stay there, in my entry, just kissing. Connor maneuvers us until I feel my back against the door and I keep kissing him, not daring to lose any second of this. 

My heart flutters at the thought of his kisses made of pure want, not like he’s trying to punish me with it. He’s soft and gentle and gorgeous like the boy I’ve fallen in love with a long ago and that I’ve dearly missed for the past few years.

We pull apart (eventually.) and despite being out of breath, I ask him, mouth stretched wide in a smile, “W-what was this a goodbye kiss?”

Connor smiles as well, his forehead falling against mine, “It’s a welcome back kiss.”

The following day of our big fight/make up sex night, he shows up at my door with a bag of pancakes and a brand new bottle of blue nail polish. I can’t hide my smile before kissing him senseless. I ask him what it means and he says, “It’s a new era and this signs the beginning of it.”

 It takes us a while, I have to admit, to fall back into being us again but after I’ve waited, suffered, being emotionally tortured by this boy for the past few years, I really don’t mind waiting a little bit more if that means we are both willing to work on this, on us.

 


End file.
